I had dinner with my mother last night. For those of you who know me (well, or well enough to know about my mother), you all know how fantastic that went. She just called to harass me about some more nonsense, and (shocking) I hung up on her. In honor of these special moments, I have compiled a list of my top five favorite mom stories – in chronological order.

1. Natalie, age 9, is brushing her hair. She asks her mother why hair is in the brush after she brushes it. Her mother responds, “You have lukemia, because I don’t know anyone else that loses that much hair.”

2. Natalie, age 16, comes home from work at American Eagle (don’t judge me) and is hungry. Shocking, there is not much to eat in the fridge. There is a 1/4 of a French baguette on the counter. Natalie makes a PB&J out of it.

Fast forward 2 hours later, Natalie is on the phone with best friend Stacey making plans. Mother enters.

Mother: Where is the bread?

Natalie: I ate it.

Mother: All of it?

Natalie: There wasn’t that much left.

Mother: I CANT BELIEVE YOU ARE SO SELFISH. YOU COULDN’T EVEN LEAVE ONE PIECE FOR YOUR SISTER OR I.

(more screaming that Natalie ignores.)

Natalie continues to make plans with Stacey.

Mother: WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING. YOU’RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE. YOU’RE GROUNDED.

Natalie: Why??

Mother: YOU ATE ALL THE BREAD.

Natalie: (to Stacey) Sorry. I can’t come over anymore.

Stacey: What? Why?

Natalie: (laughing) I ate all the bread.

Stacey: (laughing) Right. Call me later.

3. Natalie, age 18, is sitting at Red Robin with Stacey after taking her second SAT. Her mother calls.

Mother: Where the FUCK are you?

Natalie: (confused) What? At Red Robin with Stacey?! Why?!

Mother: You cant be there! You’re grounded!

Natalie: What?! No I’m not! Why am I grounded!?

Mother: I didn’t like the way you talked to me last night.

Natalie: But you never told me I was grounded.

Mother: Well, I didn’t want to tell you that you we’re grounded, because I didn’t want you to screw up your SAT score because you were mad at me for grounding you.

Natalie: Well then how am I grounded if you never told me?

Mother: YOU’RE GROUNDED. COME HOME NOW.

4. Natalie, age 20, has decided to randomly dye her hair. She enlists the help of best friend Stacey. The two buy hair dye and lock themselves in Natalie’s bathroom. Natalie’s mother comes home and knocks on the door.

Mother: What are you two doing in there?

Natalie: Smoking pot.

Mother: NAT.

Natalie: Shooting heroine.

Mother: ARE YOU DYING YOUR HAIR?

Natalie: No.

Mother enters. Natalie’s hair is wet on the top of her head. Stacey has gloves on.

Mother: You know your nose looks 10 times bigger when you dye your hair like that.

Closes door.

5. Natalie, age 20, has moved out of the house because her mother doesn’t approve of her lifestyle (ie working 3 jobs and going out every night.) Natalie is at Matt’s. It is 2am. Text recieved from mother.

Text: If you don’t respect me then I don’t respect you. And that means I won’t respect your things just like you don’t respect mine. If you don’t come home and start making better decisions I’m going to take fishy and flush him down the toilet.

Text to mom: Ok.

Natalie goes home the next day and fishy is gone.

A month later, mother brings fishy out of the closet, where she had been hiding him for an entire month.

Thanks mom, for giving me something to laugh about every day.

peace, love, and hugs,

natalie marie.